I’ve always been a curious person
I grew up with a genuine desire to understand how things worked and why. “Why”, “Why not” and “How does that work” would fill the air on a regular basis as I pushed boundaries and eagerly explored my surroundings. At times, my mother would get tired of my many questions, but that did not stop me from asking them. I’d just wait and ask her later.
This curiosity led me to explore other things such as dance and finding my forever love, math!
Why math you may ask?
Because math (eventually) makes sense.
I like that math is predictable, that there’s rules and patterns, and that there is a correct answer.
These days my life doesn’t feel as predictable as math does. Some mornings I wake up ready to seize the day while other days I can barely move from my bed. Multiple factors determine how I feel throughout the day, and I’m slowly learning what it looks like to care for myself no matter how my mental health decides to show up that day. Which involves a lot of intentionality and self-care. However, I’m optimistic that taping back into curiosity will help alleviate some stress and help me have a better relationship with my body.
But where did my curiosity go in the first place?
I think there’s just something about adulthood that killed some of my curiosity. As more and more responsibility came my way, I wanted more predictability and less uncertainty. At times, curiosity has led me to more questions than answers, so I avoided it. Folks in leadership positions didn’t always appreciate my curiosity so I kept it to myself. Which caused me to lose a beautiful part of myself for a while.
I think curiosity will be an important part of my mental health journey. I am at a stage right now where I need to embrace the questions or as Ms. Frizzle would say “Take Chances, Make Mistakes, Get Messy”. My mental health is already messy so why not take a little more risk and be curious.
With that being said, where do I start?
I think it starts with a mindset shift.
Early on after being diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety I tried to solve it. I believed that if I just exercised and ate enough vegetables all of my depression would go away (which wasn’t the case). I’ve now come to terms with the fact that my depression and anxiety is with me for the long hall. A reality that involves some grief, and lots of grace. Accepting this reality allows me to be more grounded in the present. And helps me to accept that my “normal” is different from what is used to be. I am different from who I used to be. And if I stop comparing myself to others or even the old version of me, I could focus on caring well for the person I am now. A mindset shift indeed.
Next, I’ll set up a few systems
As a creature of habit, I love good systems. I like when things go smoothly, and I usually go with systems that feel natural to me. But what if my needs don’t match the systems that come naturally? Whelp, that’s where I’m currently at. Before I didn’t have habits surrounding self-care, instead most of my habits reflected a lifestyle of burnout. I am now more sensitive to my body’s needs and realize that I need new systems to match how I currently exist in the world. Which in all honesty is annoying but I think it’ll be worth it.
Lastly, I’m trying to be more patient
I am not a very patient person when it comes to myself. When it comes to myself, I expect quick results and satisfaction guaranteed. But that doesn’t allow space for me to be human and make mistakes (Which I make a lot of these days). This mental health journey continues to humble me and makes me realize that I’m not the person I was before. And that I need to patiently get to know the Mia I am becoming. So, that I can love her. Befriend her. Support her. Cherish her.
My life feels way more complex these days. I have clear limitations and am forced to recognize my own needs. All helpful ways to operate as a human but at the same time, it feels hard to be forced to change. Feeling like there’s no option…But there’s always an option. And right now, I choose to be curious.
