I am a recovering workaholic who has gotten in the habit of making work her main identity. I like being productive. I like being able to do things I’m good at . And I like being…needed, if I’m being real. Which makes me an awesome employee but not always the best cheerleader for myself.
When I say I’m not being my best cheerleader, I don’t mean that I hope the worst for myself. I really mean, that I’m not making myself, Mia the human, a priority. Instead, for years, I’ve been allowing work to take all of my energy and define who I am both in and outside of work.
When work would suck, life tended to suck a little more. I’d be a little more tired. And all my self-care habits would slowly started to go out the window. I would start to question my own capabilities and at my worse, I began to question my own self worth. It was a problem.
But I’m starting to realize that at the end of the day, it’s just a job. Though the people can be great they would still replace me as fast as they hired me if something happened to me. Because the job needs to get done.
And more importantly, I am more than my job
But it’s taken a while to get to this point. As I think about younger Mia, I realize that a hard work ethic was a value I inherited from my mom. It showed in and outside of school as I got validated for my academics. Leaving education to become where I felt most confident. And that same hard work ethic transferred to my jobs after I finished school.
My godfather used to say “If you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life”. And I used to believe that wholeheartedly in the early stages of my career. I believed that I just needed to find my “thing” and I’ll be alright. But nowadays, I respectfully disagree with this phrase.
Work is still work. And I’m not going to grind myself down to dust for a job that’s not loyal to me or my wellbeing.
“Why Now?” you may ask
And to that I’ll respond “because I’m healthier and I’m bored”
I worked hard my first couple of years outside of college to prove myself. To prove that I was a hard worker, that I was worth the risk, that they made the right decision in hiring me. And what happened after that you might ask? I burned myself out and into a mentally unhealthy place.
Now, in a healthier place, my relationship with work has shifted out of necessity. I currently work 32 hours a week as an events coordinator and that already feels like too much. Can I do the job? 110% Does it give me joy or make me happy? respectfully no. And I don’t fully expect it to anymore. For a long time, I was looking for work to fulfill me. And now I’m looking for a job that will sustain my wellbeing.
Will it pay for my bills, my depression meals, and my yoga?
Will it allow me the flexibility to manage not as great mental health days?
Will they expect me to do work outside of my job description?
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m still ambitious. But I think for once in my life, I’m not trying to prove myself but am instead trying to be the most honest version of myself. To support myself.
I have higher standards now and I love that. I love who I’m becoming and a job isn’t worth sacrificing that. Which is weird to hear me say, even as an recovering workaholic, but I think that just shows how much I’ve grown and want to keep growing.