These days, with seasonal depression breathing down my neck like an angry dragon, I am especially grateful for when the sunshine graces the sky with its beauty.
It didn’t used to be this way. I didn’t used to be so influenced by the coming and going of the sunshine…or was I? Was I just too busy with after school activities, sports and homework that I didn’t have the awareness needed to notice the connection between my energy and nature.
Overtime, as I’ve become more aware of my own needs and limits, the more things I uncover. For example, prior to this year I’d been in denial that I have seasonal depression on top of my other “fun” diagnosis. But it’s become undeniable now that I am heavily influenced by the sunshine or lack there of.
As I transitioned jobs in the fall, and felt myself getting more groggy and less motivated, I would politely lecture myself. Saying “We don’t have time for this, find your motivation! We just started here!” But my motivation had left and jumped out the window riding into the sunset, and taking the sun with it.
And after a few weeks of forcing myself to be motivated (and failing), I boldly gave in. I allowed myself to take naps during my lunch break (Shout out to comfy floor cushions from Target!). I made sure I ate a minimum of 2x per day and broke out that happy light again (Shout out to my Psychiatrist). And “Surprisingly” it started to help.
I say “surprisingly” because I’m not really surprised. I trust my medical team and their outside, unbiased perspective. And they’ve had a hunch that me and seasonal depression were friends. But like all things related to my body, I like to muscle through and try the hard way until I give in. But here we are now.
As I continue on this health journey, I now see it as a never ending game I get to play. With the goal of being my most well self always changing. With new side quests coming up to recenter me. And new levels unlocked as I become aware of something else my body has been trying to inform me of. I’m trying to think of wellness as a never ending game because if not I just get more and more frustrated by my “lack of healthiness”. And eventually end up rebelling by being overly confident in my own strength and internal motivation.
Big mistake, we don’t like this.
it’s not because I don’t believe that I’m a strong and motivated person. On the contrary, I know I am a strong and motivated person. Those characteristics just live on a spectrum that is context dependent and is constantly changing.
And as a person who doesn’t love change, I’m learning that change is a part of being human. So, I’m grateful (and sometimes frustrated) by the seasons that require more discipline. And grateful for the seasons that are just a little more simpler.
So, thank you Winter Solstice for coming right on time. Which comes with the promise of sunshine, increasing 1 minute a day. And thank you body for enduring the lack of sunshine. You’re a real one!